Suffering from writer’s block? Fed up of that nagging internal monologue that distracts you from the process of writing? Fear not! I’ve created the Writer’s Monologue®, a patent-pending system guaranteed to keep your fingers on the keyboard and your mind on the job.
To use the Writer’s Monologue®, simply record yourself speaking aloud the passage below and load the resulting file on to your favourite MP3 player. Every time you sit down to write, just plug in some earphones, put the Writer’s Monologue® on REPEAT and write away!
So how does it work?
Simple! With the Writer’s Monologue® playing at low volume in the background, your brain no longer has to expend precious energy coming up with all those irritating doubts and worries. Now you can channel all your efforts into the job at hand: getting the damn writing done!
Writer’s Monologue® – it does all the agonising so you don’t have to!
Okay, here goes, time for another writing session … only this time get straight down to it – don’t waste time reading back through what you wrote before … you know what they say, keep the first draft moving forward – write now, edit later! … still, a quick flick back over the last few pages wouldn’t hurt, just to refresh your memory … here’s that last scene, you know, the one where … yes, that’s not bad … actually that’s pretty good … this is good writing, you know … God that’s good … that’s bloody good … so much pathos … the mix of character-driven action and profound insight in the human condition … this is probably the best writing you’ve ever done! … this is a guaranteed, solid gold bestseller!… not that you do this for the money … it’s all about writing from the heart … writing isn’t commerce, it’s art … still, if you could just get that book deal … hell, never mind books, this story’s got ‘movie adaptation’ written all over it … ah … wait … that sentence sticks out like a sore … no, don’t tinker … now’s not the time to start editing … just get on with telling the damn story … well, okay, it does read better like that, but is it the right tone of voice? … come to think of it, is ANY of this passage right ? … shit … oh shit … shit shit shit … this isn’t looking so good … actually it’s pretty bad … have you ever seen such leaden prose? … where’s this character’s motivation? … you know, this is probably the worst writing you’ve ever done … you’re such a talentless no-hoper … this book’s dead in the water and you know it … everything you ever wrote is shit and this is a hundred times worse … a thousand … you’d better abandon these pages and start the next scene … was that the phone? … stop, don’t get distracted … right … paragraph indent … open speech marks … that definitely was the phone … no, it’s someone at the door … never mind, they’ll call back if it’s urgent … open speech marks … did you get the lasagne out of the freezer? … open speech marks … you probably did … open speech marks … if you didn’t you can always order in pizza later, the main thing now is to focus on hitting that daily word count … okay, that’s more like it, now you’re rolling … pepperoni would be good … start the chapter with a good old action scene, that’s the way … or maybe tuna … delete, delete, delete … no, just a plain margherita will do … now how many words have you written? … forty-seven … is that enough for this session? … hard to say … if they’re the RIGHT words that should be enough … only one way to find out and that’s read back over what you just wrote … uh-huh … uh-huh … uh-huh … well, it’s crap but it’ll do for a first draft … fancy a coffee? … no, just keep writing, you can make a drink in a minute … still, a coffee would help … no, keep writing … no, coffee … no, writing … maybe a cup of tea … aaaaaaaaaaargh! [REPEAT]
Graham Edwards 